Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Krandall]

I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airline jokes...

The first one got no response and the second one was shot down in flames



 

[Peelz]

I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airline jokes...

The first one got no response and the second one was shot down in flames



 

     

[Krandall]

A Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker go on a safari...
Along the way they run into a tribe of cannibals. The chief was a pleasant fellow, but had some unfortunate news for them.
"Gentlemen, I am sorry but I must follow the way of my people."
"Oh?" says the Brit. "What's that?"
"Well..." the chief responds, "We will kill you, cook you, eat you, and use your skin to make a canoe. However we're not entirely uncivilized. We will let you choose the manner of your death, and perform it yourself, if you'd like."
The Frenchman steps forward first. "I will take a sword, s'il vous plaît."
The cannibals hand him a sword. The Frenchman shouts "Vive la France!" then runs himself through with the sword.
Next the Brit steps forward. "I'll have a pistol, chaps."
The cannibals hand him a pistol. "GERD save the Queen!" shouts the Brit, and blows his brains out.
Finally the New Yorker steps forward. "Gimme a fork."
The cannibals are a bit mystified, but nonetheless give him a fork. He proceeds to stab himself all over with the fork. Arms, legs, face, torso. Anywhere he can stab himself with it, he does so.
The chief is aghast. "Good Lord! What are you doing?!?!?!"
The New Yorker bellows,
"SO MUCH FOR YER CANOE, YA FUCKING JERKS!"

[Peelz]

Along the way they run into a tribe of cannibals. The chief was a pleasant fellow, but had some unfortunate news for them.
"Gentlemen, I am sorry but I must follow the way of my people."
"Oh?" says the Brit. "What's that?"
"Well..." the chief responds, "We will kill you, cook you, eat you, and use your skin to make a canoe. However we're not entirely uncivilized. We will let you choose the manner of your death, and perform it yourself, if you'd like."
The Frenchman steps forward first. "I will take a sword, s'il vous plaît."
The cannibals hand him a sword. The Frenchman shouts "Vive la France!" then runs himself through with the sword.
Next the Brit steps forward. "I'll have a pistol, chaps."
The cannibals hand him a pistol. "GERD save the Queen!" shouts the Brit, and blows his brains out.
Finally the New Yorker steps forward. "Gimme a fork."
The cannibals are a bit mystified, but nonetheless give him a fork. He proceeds to stab himself all over with the fork. Arms, legs, face, torso. Anywhere he can stab himself with it, he does so.
The chief is aghast. "Good Lord! What are you doing?!?!?!"
The New Yorker bellows,
"SO MUCH FOR YER CANOE, YA FUCKING JERKS!"

BAHAHAHAH  i think you might be missing a line at the beginning, but still LOLOLOL!!!

[Krandall]

whoooops

[Krandall]

For you aaron


A Sailor walks in the bathroom to go piss As he walks in, he sees a kid standing there. The kid looks up and asks, "Mister, are you a sailor?" The sailor says that he is and asks the kid if he wants to wear his hat. The kids nods his head and puts it on. A minute later, a Marine walks in and goes over to the urinal. The kid looks up and asks, "Mister, are you a Marine?" The Marine says, "Yea, why? You wanna hold my dick or something?" The kid says, "Oh no, I'm not a sailor, I'm just wearing his hat."

[Peelz]

For you aaron


A Sailor walks in the bathroom to go piss As he walks in, he sees a kid standing there. The kid looks up and asks, "Mister, are you a sailor?" The sailor says that he is and asks the kid if he wants to wear his hat. The kids nods his head and puts it on. A minute later, a Marine walks in and goes over to the urinal. The kid looks up and asks, "Mister, are you a Marine?" The Marine says, "Yea, why? You wanna hold my dick or something?" The kid says, "Oh no, I'm not a sailor, I'm just wearing his hat."

LOL sharing with my dad's old navy group. 

[Krandall]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."

[Peelz]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."

 

[Krandall]

After landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ......


About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into


the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.



As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly,

"Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart."

I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Don't be fucking stupid. Of course they aren't twins.
The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7.

Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam.. I just couldn't believe someone fucked you twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

[Krandall]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".

"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

[Peelz]

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

hilarious 

[Krandall]

A married couple rushes to the hospital...because the wife is going into labor. When they arrive, the doctor tells them that the hospital is looking for couples to try out this new machine that transfers a percentage of the mother's pain to the father during childbirth. The couple readily agrees to use it.
When the birthing process starts, the doctor goes ahead and says, "Okay, let's start easy. Transferring 20% of the pain to the father."
After a few minutes, the husband, seeing that his wife is still in a lot of pain, asks for more.
The doctor says, "Okay, transferring 40% of the pain to the father."
The husband, noticing that he is feeling totally fine and his wife is still in pain, asks for more.
"Okay, transferring 70% to the father."
After a few more minutes, the husband tells the doctor, "Doc, I can handle this, give me all of it."
So the doctor transfers 100% of the pain to the father. The husband seems completely normal, and the wife ends up giving birth with relatively zero pain. Happily, the couple heads home.
When they arrive, they find the mailman dead on the porch.

[Peelz]

A married couple rushes to the hospital...because the wife is going into labor. When they arrive, the doctor tells them that the hospital is looking for couples to try out this new machine that transfers a percentage of the mother's pain to the father during childbirth. The couple readily agrees to use it.
When the birthing process starts, the doctor goes ahead and says, "Okay, let's start easy. Transferring 20% of the pain to the father."
After a few minutes, the husband, seeing that his wife is still in a lot of pain, asks for more.
The doctor says, "Okay, transferring 40% of the pain to the father."
The husband, noticing that he is feeling totally fine and his wife is still in pain, asks for more.
"Okay, transferring 70% to the father."
After a few more minutes, the husband tells the doctor, "Doc, I can handle this, give me all of it."
So the doctor transfers 100% of the pain to the father. The husband seems completely normal, and the wife ends up giving birth with relatively zero pain. Happily, the couple heads home.
When they arrive, they find the mailman dead on the porch.

 

[Krandall]

What deep thinkers men are...

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.

At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.

Time for another beer.