Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Krandall]

An old man is sitting on his porch and sees a kid go by with some duct tape in his hands and hollers out, "Hey boy, where you going with that duct tape?"
The kid replies, "Going to get some ducks."
The old man shouts back, "You can't get any ducks with duct tape."
The boy passes on and says, "We'll see."
A few hours later, the old man sees the kid passing by with some ducks in his hand.
The following day, the old man is on his porch again and sees the boy passing by with some chicken wire. He shouts out, "Hey boy, where you going with that chicken wire?"
The boy replies, "Going to get some chickens."
The old man says, "But you can't get any chickens with chicken wire!"
The boy continues on by and says, "We'll see."
Hours later the boy passes by the old man's house. To his amazement, the old man sees that the boy has some chickens in his hands.
The following day, the old man is on the porch again and sees the boy passing by. He shouts out, "Hey boy, what do you have there in your hands?"
The boy answers, "Pussy willows."
The old man replies, "Just a minute while I get my coat!"

[Peelz]

An old man is sitting on his porch and sees a kid go by with some duct tape in his hands and hollers out, "Hey boy, where you going with that duct tape?"
The kid replies, "Going to get some ducks."
The old man shouts back, "You can't get any ducks with duct tape."
The boy passes on and says, "We'll see."
A few hours later, the old man sees the kid passing by with some ducks in his hand.
The following day, the old man is on his porch again and sees the boy passing by with some chicken wire. He shouts out, "Hey boy, where you going with that chicken wire?"
The boy replies, "Going to get some chickens."
The old man says, "But you can't get any chickens with chicken wire!"
The boy continues on by and says, "We'll see."
Hours later the boy passes by the old man's house. To his amazement, the old man sees that the boy has some chickens in his hands.
The following day, the old man is on the porch again and sees the boy passing by. He shouts out, "Hey boy, what do you have there in your hands?"
The boy answers, "Pussy willows."
The old man replies, "Just a minute while I get my coat!"

 

[dragonz]

NO!

the WHOLE of New Zealand's spelling ability....   

What would you know about spelling, asshole

[Peelz]

NO!

the WHOLE of New Zealand's spelling ability....   

What would you know about spelling, asshole

I don't know, you tell me!

A$$HOLE!

[Krandall]

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said, "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my backpack."

[Peelz]

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said, "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my backpack."

LOL!!!!! 

[Krandall]

10 things that sounds dirty in the office but aren't.

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. Hmm... I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1. It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits.

[Magz]

Letter home from a marine...............

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are too.

The Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 5:00 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.


Tell brother Walt and brother Elmer that all you do in the Marines before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad -- there's warm water.

A Marine Corps breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

As Marines we're expected to go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some.

The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bullseye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ol' bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Tammy Gail

[Krandall]

A couple goes to an art gallery and sees a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies, "Autumn."

[Magz]

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?" The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says "$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "Wait, a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.........'"

[Krandall]

[Magz]

Actual Hallmark Rejects 2
There are a lot of parody "Cards rejected by Hallmark" jokes around. This is one of a series of cards that were really truly actually put forth by card writers in Hallmark's "Shoebox" division ? but rejected by the company ? as reported by the Associated Press.

Wedding & Engagement Card

Front: "Marriage is a bond that is unbreakable except by two-thirds of the population."

Inside: "But it's you top-third couples that give the rest of us hope."

- - -

Get-Well Card

Front: A big happy face.

Inside: "Hi! Welcome back from your coma!"

- - -

Christmas Card

Front: "Spread some holiday cheer."

Inside: "Or drink alone. Who am I to judge?"

- - -

Wedding & Engagement Card

Front: "Did I hear wedding bells?"

Inside: "Or was that the natural disaster siren? Sometimes I get them confused. Whatever it was, it was loud. Congratulations ... or take cover!"
 

[Peelz]

LOL lovin the xmas card. it would sell....

[Magz]

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a rabbit in Arizona."

[Magz]

A red neck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The red neck is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!" The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the red neck asks, "What's that noise?