Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Magz]

Dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
"Son, where were you today?"
 The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son!
"Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!"
 "What dvd?"
"Toy story." Robot slaps the son again!
"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.
"What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad!
Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son." Robot slaps the mom...

[Magz]

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST.
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.



Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

[Magz]

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

-Because if they flew over the bay they'd be Bagels....

[Magz]

Why We Miss Rodney Dangerfield
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, Why?" He said, "Because you came home early"

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.

[Magz]

So he put up a sign that read,
"Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free
sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said,
"You were close. The number was 7.
Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck,
along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story,
and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said,
"Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother,
"I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray.
It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."

[Peelz]

Dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
"Son, where were you today?"
 The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son!
"Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!"
 "What dvd?"
"Toy story." Robot slaps the son again!
"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.
"What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad!
Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son." Robot slaps the mom...

 

[Colorado700R]

Dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
"Son, where were you today?"
 The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son!
"Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!"
 "What dvd?"
"Toy story." Robot slaps the son again!
"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.
"What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad!
Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son." Robot slaps the mom...

 

[Peelz]

 

A guy finds a magic lamp so he rubs it and a genie pops out.

The genie tells the guy that he will grant him 3 wishes with only one condition: Whatever he wishes for his wife will receive double.

The guy says “Ok I have my three wishes. I want 1 million dollars and a brand new Lamborghini.”

The genie says “What about your 3rd wish, remember your wife will receive twice as much as you?”

The guy says, “I want you to beat me half to death.”

[Krandall]

 

[Krandall]

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?



A. Because single women come home, take a look at what's in the fridge and go to bed. When married women come home, they check out what's in the bed and head straight to the fridge.

[Magz]

Reasons Why Men Favor Handguns Over Women

#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun as a back up.

#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A handgun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman:

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a handgun!

 

[Krandall]

One morning a grumpy boss notices that one of his employees is not at his desk, so he calls his home. A small child answers in a whisper, "Hello?"
"Is your father home?" the boss asks.
"Yes," the child replies.
"May I please speak with him?"
"No," is the response.
"Okay, is your mommy home then?"
"Yes," is whispered again.
"May I please speak with her?"
"No," is the reply.
By now the boss is getting frustrated. "What are they doing then?" he asks.
"Talking to the policeman," the child whispers.
Now this gets the bosses attention. "Why is there a policeman there?" he asks.
"He came in the helicopter," the child whispers.
"A helicopter?" Now his interest is really intrigued. "Why is there a helicopter there?" he asks in an excited voice.
"They're all with the search party," the child says.
"A search party, who are they searching for?" the boss asks.
"Me," the voice replies, and then hangs up.

[Peelz]

One morning a grumpy boss notices that one of his employees is not at his desk, so he calls his home. A small child answers in a whisper, "Hello?"
"Is your father home?" the boss asks.
"Yes," the child replies.
"May I please speak with him?"
"No," is the response.
"Okay, is your mommy home then?"
"Yes," is whispered again.
"May I please speak with her?"
"No," is the reply.
By now the boss is getting frustrated. "What are they doing then?" he asks.
"Talking to the policeman," the child whispers.
Now this gets the bosses attention. "Why is there a policeman there?" he asks.
"He came in the helicopter," the child whispers.
"A helicopter?" Now his interest is really intrigued. "Why is there a helicopter there?" he asks in an excited voice.
"They're all with the search party," the child says.
"A search party, who are they searching for?" the boss asks.
"Me," the voice replies, and then hangs up.

 

[Krandall]

So that one didn't land with you.. I LOL'd at this one


Sven and Olie died and went to hell. After awhile, the Devil came by to see how his new guests were doing. To his amazement, he found Sven and Olie were still wearing their winter gear and seemed to be quite comfortable. The Devil asked why they weren't hot.
Olie replied, "We come from Minnesota where it's always cold. This is feeling pretty good to us."
This upset the Devil, so he turned up the thermostat. A while later, the Devil looked in on Sven and Olie. To his surprise, he found they were still wearing their winter gear. The Devil questioned them on it again. "You have to remember that we are from Minnesota and it's very, very cold there. This is feeling nice to us."
The Devil became even angrier, and turned the thermostat all the way to maximum temperature. The Devil waited some time and then went back to Sven and Olie. This time he found they had only unzipped their coats, but still had all their winter clothes on. The Devil couldn't understand what was going on. The punishment down here was supposed to be the unbearable heat. It wasn't working on these two. He had to ask again what the deal was. Sven replied, "We are Minnesotans and we just got over a freezing winter. This is really great for Olie and me.
A light flickered in the Devil's mind. He went to the thermostat and turned it off. He thought if the heat wasn't a punishment, maybe he'd give them some freezing temperatures. A little while later, the Devil came back to check in on Sven and Olie only to find them cheering and giving each other high fives, happier than ever! The Devil questioned them on their actions and Sven said happily, "Back home they always said, the Vikings will win the Super Bowl when hell freezes over!"

[Peelz]

LOL