Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Krandall]

A man met a beautiful woman and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

"That's all right," he replied. "We'll learn as we go along."

So she consented; they were married, and decided to honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning, husband and wife were relaxing poolside when suddenly, the husband got up, climbed up the 10 meter board and did a two-and-a-half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly and almost without a ripple. This was followed by three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water with knife-like precision. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

"That was incredible!" his wife exclaimed.

"I used to be an Olympic diving champion," he explained. "You see, I told you we'd learn more about one another as we went along."

With that, his wife got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth at one end of the pool had hardly disappeared before she had touched the other end!

She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly. After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel.

"That was incredible!" he exclaimed. "Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Alabama and I worked both sides of the Tennessee River."

[Krandall]

A woman has a problem with her closet door. Every time a bus passes by, it keeps falling off. So she calls a repairman. The repairman arrives and sees that the door does indeed keep falling off every time a bus passes.

"OK, I'm going in," he says. "Just shut the door behind me."

He steps into the closet, but before a bus can arrive, the woman's husband comes home from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.

Shocked and angry, the husband says, "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Well, you're not going to believe it," replies the repairman, "but I'm waiting for a bus!"

[Krandall]

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the lady your fin-est mink!" the fellow exclaims.

The owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!" the man says enthusiastically.

"Very good, sir," says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick up the coat after the check has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged, "How dare you show your face in here! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!"

"I know," the man says grinning widely, "I just had to come by to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

[Krandall]

"Some people say it's what's on the inside that counts. If that were true about women, Playboy would be running centerfolds of brain tissues and gall bladders."

-Christy Murphy

[Peelz]

"Some people say it's what's on the inside that counts. If that were true about women, Playboy would be running centerfolds of brain tissues and gall bladders."

-Christy Murphy

LOL

wrong thread maybe?  but still funny.

[Krandall]

A man was about to get married. During the wedding rehearsal he approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows," he said. "I'd appreciate it if you could leave out the part where I have to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'for-sake all others.'"

He passed the pastor a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to the part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.

When it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally be-fore GERD and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

A moment later, the groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

[Krandall]

Jennifer, a manager at Walmart, had the task of hiring someone. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes, she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine who would get the job.

The day came, and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

The first man replied, "A thought. It just pops into your head There's no warning."

"That's very good!" replied Jennifer. "And you sir?" she asked the second man.

"Let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said Jennifer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed." She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture, the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yup, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man "It's hard to beat the speed of light," she said.

Turning to Louie, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question. Old Louie replied, "After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea."

"What?" said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

"Oh, sure," said Louie. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already crapped my pants."


 

[Hefe]

[phucker]

that was a good one

[Krandall]

There was a man who had just gotten married and was spending his wedding night with his new wife in a very posh hotel. It was to be the first time that he had ever made love with his partner. Indeed he had never even seen her nude.

As they were both undressing, he looked up from taking off his socks to notice that she did in fact have very large breasts. He said as much to her, but the poor girl, who had always had a bit of a complex about them, got very distraught. So much so that she sent him, blanket in hand, to go and sleep in the corridor. The man was pretty upset at this, but, not wishing to fuel her anger further, did as he was told.

Just as he was getting off to sleep, another man came into the corridor and joined him. The first man asked the second why he was out there, to which the second replied that he was also on his wedding night and had never had the pleasure of seeing his new wife's body before either. When she was undressing, he had complemented her on having a rather large bum. She hadn't been impressed with his comment, and had ordered him to go and sleep in the corridor.

It wasn't long before jilted honeymooner No. 3 sulkily sauntered along to join the other two.

"What's wrong with you?" asked the first. "Did you put your foot in it as well?"

"No," replied the third, "but I bloody well could have..."

[Krandall]

LOVE: When your eyes meet across a crowded room.

LUST: When your tongues meet across a crowded room.

MARRIAGE: When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

LOVE: When you share everything you own.

LUST: When you steal everything they own.

MARRIAGE: When the bank owns everything.

LOVE: When you write poems about your partner.

LUST: When all you write is your phone number.

MARRIAGE: When all you write is checks.

LOVE: When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.

LUST: When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all around.

MARRIAGE: When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE: When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.

LUST: When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.

MARRIAGE: When you're only interested in your golf score.

LOVE: You only leave the house to buy coffee and doughnuts.

LUST: You only leave the house to buy condoms and Vaseline.

MARRIAGE: You only leave the house when you're allowed.

[Krandall]

"The biggest thing about raising girls, it seems, is dispelling the whole princess myth. Everything they get is about being a princess: crowns and gowns and scepters. She's waiting for a prince. They don't exist. There's no guy out there with tights and good manners that's going to come whisk you away to Happy Town, and if there is, he's looking for another guy in tights."

[Peelz]

"The biggest thing about raising girls, it seems, is dispelling the whole princess myth. Everything they get is about being a princess: crowns and gowns and scepters. She's waiting for a prince. They don't exist. There's no guy out there with tights and good manners that's going to come whisk you away to Happy Town, and if there is, he's looking for another guy in tights."

  Almost total truth. Not really funny.... whose quote is that?

[Krandall]

"The biggest thing about raising girls, it seems, is dispelling the whole princess myth. Everything they get is about being a princess: crowns and gowns and scepters. She's waiting for a prince. They don't exist. There's no guy out there with tights and good manners that's going to come whisk you away to Happy Town, and if there is, he's looking for another guy in tights."

  Almost total truth. Not really funny.... whose quote is that?

Tom Papa

[Krandall]

A little girl and her teacher were having a discussion about whales. The teacher said that it is physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human, because even though a whale is very large, its throat is very small. The little girl said that, according to the Old Testament, it was a whale that swallowed Jonah. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, as it is physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to Heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to Hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"