Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Krandall]

The year is 2222, and a human couple are taking their first trip to Mars. While there, they meet two Martians and the four of them get talking. They discuss the differences between Earth and Martian politics, technology and society until finally the conversation turns to sex.

"Just how do you Martians do it?" asks the woman.

"Pretty much the way you do," respond the Martian couple.

After a few drinks, the four of them decide to try out a wife-swap and check into a Martian motel. The human woman and the Martian male disappear into the first available room, and he strips instantly to reveal his teeny, weenie penis, about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," sighs the woman. "It's just not long enough."

"No problem," bleeps the Martian, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap, his penis grows another inch, until it's really quite impressive.

"That's definitely an improvement," says the woman. "But it's still pretty narrow."

Immediately, the Martian starts pulling his ears. With each tug, his penis widens until he measures up nicely.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman. "That's the biggest I've seen!"

And they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love. The next day the couples meet up with their partners and go their separate ways.

"How was it for you?" the man asks his wife.

"I hate to say it," she replies, "but it was pretty mind-blowing. How about you?"

"Horrible," he replies. "She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

[dragonz]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WndRrYEd7Vc
audio..............

[Krandall]

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, Whatever you do, do not touch the garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the entire back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear Wife, Now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

[Spartan]

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, Whatever you do, do not touch the garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the entire back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear Wife, Now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

[Magz]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.



"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?"
St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.

"On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon

A gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the $#!^ out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Couple of minutes ago."

[Peelz]

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, Whatever you do, do not touch the garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the entire back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear Wife, Now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

thats great!

[Krandall]

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you'd now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8," boasts Gates. "And that's not all. It'd reach 10,000 mph, weigh just over 10kg, do 1,000 miles to the gallon and cost less than $50."

"Sure, Bill," shrugs the GM chairman. "But it would also crash four times a day."

[Krandall]

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman: "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asks.

"It's worth a try," he says.

So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says: "Father, you're not going to believe this."

"What happened?" asks the priest.

"You gave birth to a child!"

"But that's impossible!" says the priest.

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About 15 years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says: "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The son says: "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replies: "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."

[Krandall]

Having just arrived at the airport, the Pope is running late for a meeting and orders his chauffeur to go faster.

Frustrated with the lack of progress, the Pope then switches places with his driver and takes the wheel. Their car is pulled over for speeding and the arresting officer radios in to the sergeant to find out what to do with such an important person.

His sergeant asks: "Just how important is he?"

"I don't know," replies the cop: "But he's got the Pope as his driver."

[dragonz]

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

On the envelope it says   "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---


Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his  feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't  breathe".

----------------------- ------------ ------------

 An American tourist asks an Irishman:   

"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."

[Spartan]

QUESTIONS YOU JUST CAN'T ANSWER
                 

 
 
 
  Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours? 

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?   


Did you ever stop and wonder...... 

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
These pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'   

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.' 

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? 

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is? 

Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? 

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !   

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?   

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?   

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?   

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on......   

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?   

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?   

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

[Krandall]

A doting wife accompanies her elderly husband to the doctor for his yearly physical. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man: "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "What did he say? What does he want?"

His wife yells back: "He said he needs your underwear."

[Magz]

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here... these coyotes ain't F**^%*' our sheep... they're eatin' 'em!"

The meeting never really got back to order. . ..

BUT PEELS IS phuckING OUR SHEEP LETS CASTRATE HIM!   
   

[Peelz]

lol...besides you being an asshole....is that a true story? CUz thats funny shit 

[Krandall]

In Mississippi, a guy sees a sign in front of a house that reads: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says: "Well, I discovered my gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my ability, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. I had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says: "$10."

The guy says: "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

The owner replies: "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."