Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Krandall]

When Jim retired, he and his wife, who was much, much younger, moved to Boca Raton. Once they'd settled in, he decided it was about time to make a will, so he made an appointment with a lawyer.

"I want it to be nice and straightforward," he instructed the attorney: "Everything goes to my wife: the house, the car, the pension and the life insurance, under the condition that she remarry within the year."

"Fine, Mr. Ramsey," said the lawyer: "But do you mind my asking why the condition?"

"Simple: I want at least one person to be sorry I died."

[dick-84]

LMFAO 

[dick-84]

Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

 

[Krandall]

A father and son are walking in a field when the son stands on a butterfly.

“No butter for you for a week,” says the dad.

Later, the son stands on a honeybee.

“No honey for you for a week,” says the dad.

That evening the boy's mother stands on a cockroach and the boy turns to his dad and says: “Should I tell her or do you want to?” .


 

[Peelz]

A father and son are walking in a field when the son stands on a butterfly.

“No butter for you for a week,” says the dad.

Later, the son stands on a honeybee.

“No honey for you for a week,” says the dad.

That evening the boy's mother stands on a cockroach and the boy turns to his dad and says: “Should I tell her or do you want to?” .


 

 

[Krandall]

A man walked into a lawyer's office and asked about the lawyer's rates.

"$50 for three questions," replied the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replied: "and what was your third question?

[Krandall]

A woman and her boyfriend are speeding down a country lane after leaving a party. The woman decides she wants to have some fun so she takes off all of her clothes so she can flash other motorists.

Unfortunately, the man gets a little distracted and crashes the car. The naked woman is thrown clear, but the man is trapped in the wreckage.

The only cover she can find is one of her boyfriend’s shoes, so she holds it over her crotch, runs to a nearby garage and shouts: “Help my boyfriend is stuck!”

The mechanic looks at the shoe and says, “It looks like you’ll need a doctor, he’s too far in...”

[dick-84]

    

[Krandall]

Q. How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a faucet.

[Colorado700R]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of Extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
　
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.  Is something bothering you?"
　
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
　
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It Looks like you have seen a lot of action."
　
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
　
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
　
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
　
Finally th! e young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
　
"1955, ma'am."
　
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need To chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
　
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
　
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

[Krandall]

[Peelz]

rofl aaron

[Spartan]

   

[Krandall]

Two cannibals -- a father and his son -- are elected by their tribe to go out and get something to eat. The pair walk deep into the jungle and wait by a path. Before long, a little old man walks by.

The son says: “Oh Dad, there’s one.”

“That’s not even enough meat for the dogs. We’ll wait,” he replies.

Later, a fat man comes along. The son says: “He’s big enough.”

“No,” says the father: “We’d all die of a heart attack from eating the fat on him. We’ll wait.”

An hour later, a gorgeous woman approaches. The son screams with excitement. “Now there’s nothing wrong with that one, Dad! Let’s eat her.”

“No,” says the father: “We won’t eat her either -– we’ll take her back alive and eat your mother.”

[Krandall]

Q. What's long and hard and makes women groan?

A. An ironing board!


HEY OH!!!