Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Magz]

A Mexican, an Arab,and a Arizona girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Arizona girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Arizona, we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

GERD Bless Arizona

Don't shoot me.

[Krandall]

magz...

[Magz]

LOL. Here's another old man in the mall joke I just got in an email:

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

'Excuse me, I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir.
Do you know where your wife might be?'

'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with breasts like yours, she appears out of nowhere.

[Magz]

A man took his dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

They decided to grab a bite at the food court.

the man noticed his dad was watching someone sitting next to him

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange & blue - and his dad kept staring at her.

The teen would look over and find my dad staring, every time.

When she'd finally had enough, she sarcastically asked:

"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing his Dad, the man quickly swallowed his food so he wouldn't choke on his response - he knew his dad would have a good one!

In classic style, his dad responded without batting an eyelid:

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my daughter."

[Krandall]

[Krandall]

Three contractors were bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. The first contractor said: “I figure the job will run about $900 - that's $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The second contractor announced: “I can do this job for $700 – that's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The third contractor leaned over to the White House official and whispered: “$2,700.”

The incredulous White House official asked him: “How did you come up with such a high figure?”

The contractor smiled and said: “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the second guy to fix the fence.”

[Krandall]

On their first night together, a newlywed couple is getting ready for bed. The bride emerges from the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. Her proud husband says: "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh my GERD!" he exclaims: "You are so beautiful! Let me take your picture."

Puzzled she asks: "My picture?"

"Yes my dear," he says: "so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and his wife asks: "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims: "Oh my! Let me take a picture."

"Why?" he asks, beaming.

"So I can get it enlarged!" she says.

[Spartan]

Things I Learned in the South..........
 
A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
 
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
 
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.
 
If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
 
Onced and Twiced are words.
 
It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
 
Jaw-P? means "Did yall go to the bathroom?"
 
People actually grow and eat okra.
 
Fixinto is one word. It means I'm fixing to do that.
 
There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper.
 
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.
 
Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.   
 
The word jeet is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
 
You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
 
You dont PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
 
No, Jew? is a common response to the question, "Did you bring any beer? "
 
You measure distance in minutes.
 
You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
 
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
 
You know what a DAWG is.
 
You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.
 
You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tonys, Tabasco and ketchup.
 
The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports and motor sports, and gossip.
 
You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
 
You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit a bit warm.
 
You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
 
Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as goin Wal-Martin or off to Wally World.
 
You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather. ------OH! YEAH ! ! ! !
 
Fried catfish is the other white meat.
 
We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive, dag-nabbit.
 
You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.

[Krandall]

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up: "Grandpa, did GERD make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart," he answered: "GERD made me a long time ago."

"Oh," she paused: "Grandpa, did GERD make me too?"

"Yes, indeed, honey," he said: "GERD made you just a little while ago."

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed: "GERD's getting better at it, isn't he?

[Spartan]

Damn kids

[Magz]

[Krandall]

A baker hires a young female assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and a thong. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and then at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.

The girl nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, gets an excellent view just as he planned. Once she comes down he says he should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.

As the girl retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see her climb up and down.

After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man: "Is it raisin for you, too?"

"No," stammers the old man: "but it's quivering a bit!"

[Krandall]

A man walks into a dentist's office and says: "I think I'm a moth."

The dentist replies: "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist."

The man replies: "I am seeing a psychiatrist."

The dentist says: "Well then, what are you doing here?"

The man says: "Your light was on."

[Peelz]

A man walks into a dentist's office and says: "I think I'm a moth."

The dentist replies: "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist."

The man replies: "I am seeing a psychiatrist."

The dentist says: "Well then, what are you doing here?"

The man says: "Your light was on."

[Krandall]

A girl is being examined in a doctor's office when the doctor notices she has a big red "H" on her chest. "That’s interesting,” the doctor says: “how did that happen?"

The girl says: "My boyfriend is so excited about getting into Harvard that he wears his sweater during sex!"

The doctor gives the girl some cream and tells her it will clear up in a couple days. A second girl comes to the office with a similar problem, only she has a "Y" on her chest, since her boyfriend is a Yale man. So the doctor gives her the same cream, and tells her it will clear up in a couple days.

Now on the third day, another girl is in the doctor’s office with a big "M" on her chest. The doctor says: "Let me guess, your boyfriend goes to Michigan right?"

The girl says: "No, but my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin!"