Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Magz]

Teacher: How we use the light?
Pupil: To suck it?
Teacher: Why do you say so?
Pupil: Because every night, my mother says to my father, "Switch off the light, I wanna suck it!"

[Krandall]

A doctor finished examining a man in his office. "It's just a cold," he announced: "There is no cure, and you'll just have to live with it until it goes away."

"But, Doctor," the patient whined: "it's making me so miserable."

The doctor rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. Then he said: "Look, go home and take a hot bath. Then put a bathing suit on and run around the block three or four times."

"What!" the patient exclaimed: "I'll get pneumonia!"

"Exactly," the doctor replied: "We have a cure for pneumonia."

[Colorado700R]

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago . 

 

The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

 

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. 

 
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

 

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?' 

 

The boy said, 'Yes, she did.' 

 

'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.  Have your mother explain that to you.'

[Krandall]

awesome.

[Krandall]

An elderly man in Boston calls his son in Los Angeles and says: "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says: "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in St. Louis and tell her!" and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts: "I'll take care of this."

She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man: "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. OK," he says: "They're coming home for the holidays and they're paying their own airfares!"

[Krandall]

Q. What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common?

A. No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.

[Peelz]

Q. What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common?

A. No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.

laughing out loud for real!!!!!!

[Colorado700R]

Q. What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, meth lab in Iowa, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?

A. No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.

laughing out loud for real!!!!!!

Corrected for accuracy

[Krandall]

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam leans over to Becky and says: "Honey, have you ever cheated on me?"

Becky replies: "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to know the answer."

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know,” Sam pleads: "Please..."

"Well, all right," Becky replies: "I cheated on you three times."

"Three? When were they?" Sam asks.

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me!" Sam replies: "I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was No. 2?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Baker came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life," Sam responds: "I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me, darling. I couldn't be more moved. OK then, when was No. 3?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

[Krandall]

A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father: "What are these things, daddy?"

"Those are condoms, son," his father replied.

"Why do they come in packs of 1, 3 and 12?" the boy asked.

"The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night," the father replied: "The ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And the ones with 12 in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March..."

[Krandall]

A group of old college friends arranged to meet regularly every 10 years to catch up.

For the 10-year reunion, they met at a bar called McGinty’s Pub because the waitresses had big breasts.

For the 20-year reunion, they met at McGinty’s Pub because they had good beer on tap.

For the 30-year reunion, they met at McGinty’s Pub because they had diet meals on the menu.

For the 40-year reunion, they met at McGinty’s Pub because they had handicapped access.

For the 50-year reunion, they met at McGinty’s Pub because they had never been there before.

[Hefe]

ok.. thats just bad!

[NaturalRaptor]

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'


THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.

[NaturalRaptor]

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

[NaturalRaptor]

Speaking German in North Dakota
Near Dodge, ND , where there is a large German-speaking population, a farmer walking down a country road
notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.
The farmer shouted: 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.'
(Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have s*** in it.')
The man shouted back: 'I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan, I can't understand you. Please speak in English.'
The farmer replied: 'Use two hands, you'll get more.