Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Gunz]

So a pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head and askes for a shot of whiskey. Bartenders gives him the shot and asks why he has the paper towel on his head. Pirate replys......................."Errrr there's a Bounty on my head"



   

 

[Krandall]

A recovering alcoholic is downtown to pick up his income tax return. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside, promising himself he'll only have a couple of beers and then leave. Well, he goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears, sobbing: "My wife is going to leave me. I'm just a miserable old drunk and now I'm going to die alone."

The guy sitting next to him turns and says: "It's not that bad. You can get out of this. Take a $5 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on you. Tell her that the $5 was given to you to pay for the shirt."

The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says: "That just might work. You’re a saint!"

The drunk guy goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate.

She takes one look at him and screams: "I can't believe it. You're drunk. I warned you but you just don't care. I'm moving out."

The drunk says: "Stop, Honey. Let me explain. It’s true I did have a couple of beers, but I'm not drunk."

She says: "Look at you... you puked down the front of your shirt."

He replies: "It wasn’t me! A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a $5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself."

She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says: "This is a $10 bill"

He looks at her and says: "Oh I forgot. He shit my pants too."

[Magz]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even more angry than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO HOME NOW?"

**Nothing against Tiger, just a funny joke...

[Krandall]

HEYOH!

[Peelz]

Ba Dum Crish!!!!!!!!!!!!

hilarious maguilar!

[funyun]

I had sex with Tiger Woods

[Peelz]

I had sex with Tiger Woods

me too!

  he said I was the only one! 

[funyun]

He paid me 3 million to keep my mouth shut

[Hefe]

he paid Peels 10 million to open his!

[Peelz]

he paid Peels 10 million to open his!

10 million peanuts

[Krandall]

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb," the first doctor said: "She does everything absolutely backward. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said: "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my GERD!" the first doctor said: "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

[Colorado700R]

In light of the consideration of human cloning, we must ask the hypothetical question:

If you pushed your naked clone off the top of a tall building, would this be:

a. Murder?
b. Suicide?
c. Merely making an obscene clone fall?


Nyuk, Nyuk!!

[Hefe]

in your case C

[Spider/Paleface513]

 I tried to play UNO with some Mexicans today, but the motherfuckers kept stealing the green cards so i quit!!

[Peelz]

I tried to play UNO with some Mexicans today, but the motherfuckers kept stealing the green cards so i quit!!

karma #2

f**king hilarious!!!!  UNO!!!!!