Post some good jokes here!!!!

[dragonz]

This ones been round a while, hope it's not a repost!

A father passing by his son's bedroom,was  astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked  up. Then, he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
 
It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
 
Dear,Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to Elope with my new girlfriend, because wanted to avoid a scene  with Mum And  you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, Tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because  she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a  trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We  share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading  it with the Other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, So Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care  of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son,
Joshua.
 
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.  I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the School report that's on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
 

 

[Krandall]

Reverend Francis Norton woke up one Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him. As soon as the associate pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out to a golf course about 40 miles away.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed: "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said: "No, I guess not."

Just then, Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight toward the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 420-yard hole in one! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked: "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied: "Who's he going to tell?"

[Colorado700R]

> I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline                           
                                                                                                   
                                                                           
> Got a freaking call center in Pakistan                                     
>                                                                           
> I told them I was suicidal.                                               
>                                                                           
> They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.                   
>                                                                           
> Assholes.................                                                 

[Krandall]

[Krandall]

A young female teacher was giving her class of 6-year-olds a quiz.

"Behind my back, I have something red, round and you can eat it," she said: "What is it?"

"An apple," replied little Raymond.

"No," said the teacher: "It's a tomato but it shows that you’re thinking. I now have something round, a greenish color and you can eat it."

"An apple," replied little Ian.

"No, it's an onion, but it shows that you’re thinking," the teacher said.

Little scruffy Johnny at the back of the class finally piped up and said: "I have something under my desk that's an inch long, white and it has a red end."

"You dirty little boy!" exclaimed the teacher.

"No, it's a match, but it shows that you were thinking," he answered.

[dragonz]

go Johnny go

[Gunz]

> I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline                           
                                                                                                   
                                                                           
> Got a freaking call center in Pakistan                                     
>                                                                           
> I told them I was suicidal.                                               
>                                                                           
> They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.                   
>                                                                           
> Assholes.................                                                 

AWESOME!!

[Krandall]

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began to weep.

"I'm sorry," he said: "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem.

"I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said: "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."

The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back: "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.

"I certainly did," the man said: "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel: "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he sputtered.

"On the contrary," the man claimed: "he's done me world of good."

"But you threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.

"Yes," the man replied: "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."

[Krandall]

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted $5,000 to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted $5,000 to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said: "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said: "I thought he was talking to you."

[disco]

Tiger Woods one-liners


Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.

What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Ping just offered Tiger Woods' wife an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers. They'll be named Elin Woods…”the clubs you can beat Tiger with.”

News travels fast. The Chinese are already making a movie about Tiger Woods’ crash. They are calling it “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.”

Tiger is now in trouble with his sponsor Gillette because he said that “this was the closest shave I have had yet.”

It’s not often that Tiger Woods starts out with a bad drive, hits a water hazard, and ends up in the trees.

It’s the first time Tiger’s driven less then 250 yards.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. Apparently he couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

[Peelz]

  too soon. which makes it funnier

[Krandall]

A young couple set out for Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make. The reason that they had not been too intimate, she explained, was because she was ashamed of being very flat-chested.

"If you want to cancel the wedding, then I'll understand," she said.

The guy remarked: "I don't mind that you're flat. Sex is not the most important thing in a marriage anyway."

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also had a confession to make. The reason that they had not been too intimate, he explained, was because he was like a baby below the waist.

"I don't mind that you’re like a baby below the waist," she said: "Sex is not the most important thing in a marriage anyway."

So the happy couple went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes. True to her word, she was as flat as a washboard. Then, the guy took off his clothes. After one glance at his naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

When she regained consciousness, the guy said: "I told you before we got married, so why were you so surprised?"

"You told me it was just like a baby." The girl said.

The guy replied: "It is! It’s 8 pounds and 21 inches long!"

[Krandall]

"Honey," said a husband to his wife: "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy?" the wife exclaimed: "The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that," the man replied.

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" she asked.

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

[Colorado700R]

[Colorado700R]

A little guy named Harold is sitting at the bar
      

      staring at his  drink for half an hour when this big
      

      trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his
      

      drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to
      

      the guy with a menacing stare as if to say
      

      'Whatcha gonna do about it?'
      


      The poor little guy starts crying.
      


      'Come on, man, I was just giving you a hard time,'
      

      the
      

      biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY. I
      

      can't stand to see
      

      a man crying.'
      


      'This is the worst day of my life,' says the
      

      little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything
      

      right.'
      


      'I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so
      

      my boss fired me.
      


      When I went to the parking lot I found my car
      

      had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.
      

      Then I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
      


      I found my wife in bed with the gardener
      

      and my dog bit me.
      


      So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to
      

      put an end to my life,
      


      --- and then you show up and drank the damn
      

      poison.