Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Krandall]

A husband and wife were out golfing together one day when they came upon a tough par 4 hole. The husband hooked his drive deep into the woods and proclaimed that he would have to chip out. Then the wife said: "Maybe not, dear! Do you see that barn over there? If I open the doors on both sides, I do believe you could hit it right through and reach the green."


So the husband agrees to give it a try, but when he hits the ball it goes straight through the front doors of the barn, hits the crossbeam, ricochets back and hits his wife square in the head, killing her.


A year goes by and the man is golfing with a friend. He finds himself on the same hole, with the same results, a hook deep in the woods. He is all set to chip out when his friend runs up to him and says: "Wait! Do you see that barn over there? If I open the doors on both sides, I think you can still reach the green."


"No way," replies the man: "I tried that last year and got a 7."   

[Krandall]

Old man O'Malley had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.


The foreman thought it should be his job to inform Widow O'Malley of her husband's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell.


When she came to the door, he said: "I'm sorry to tell you, but your poor husband passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."


She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked: "Tell me: did he suffer?"


"Knowing Brian O'Malley as well as I did, I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the men's room."



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A golfer whose car broke down flagged down a passing bus and got aboard. He sat down on the bus with his pockets full of golf balls, next to a little old lady. The little old lady kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he looked over and simply said: "Golf balls."


The little old lady continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked: "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

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In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him: "Charlie, what are you doing?"


Charlie replies: "I'm driving to Chicago!"


The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day, the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks: "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"


Charlie says: "Great! I just got into Chicago."


The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, where she finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously pleasuring himself. Shocked, she asks: "Bob, what are you doing?"


Bob says: "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

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[Krandall]

This little boy goes up to his dad and he says: "Dad, what's the difference between potentially and realistically?"

To which the father replies: "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then you ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars."

So the boy goes up to his mom and asks her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars and the mother replies: "Oh my GERD, of course I would, he is so good looking!"

So the boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies: "He is so fine, of course I would!"

So he goes up to his dad and says: "I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically"

"Well, what's the difference?" asks the father.

"Well, potentially we're sitting on $2 million, but realistically we're just living with two sluts."

[Peelz]

One of my favorite oldies. Been told a million different ways, but this is my favorite.

Bob was a bus driver, and on his first day of work. He was shown to his bus, it was the short bus! It had sesame street characters painted on the side of it. He decided to live with it and went on his way.

At his first stop, two little fat girls got on the bus. They both said "Hi, my name's patty"

he thought that was weird, but he went along his way.

At his second stop, he picked up a little stupid boy named Leonard. He had his socks pulled up over his pantlegs. He said "mom makes me wear my pants like this so I don't pick my bunions, and the other kids make fun of me for my weird pants"

Bob just shook his head and went on his way. After the day was done, he went home for the night. His wife asked him how his day went. He shook his head and said:

"Two all-beef patties special socks, leonard's teased, pickin bunions on a sesame street bus"



Pickle Lips...over and out.

[dragonz]

Thats good!

[Krandall]

A husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack: "Please dear, I need help." she said.

The husband ran off saying: "I'll go get some help." A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green. His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said: "I may be dying and you're putting?"

"Don't worry, dear. I found a doctor on the second hole. He said he will come and help you."

"The second hole?!" she exclaimed: "When in the world is he coming?"

"I told you not to worry," he said, practice stroking his putt.

"Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."   

[Krandall]

A beautiful young woman nervously asked her doctor to remove a large chunk of green wax from her navel. Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked: "How did this happen?"

"Let me put it this way, Doc," the girl began: "My boyfriend likes to eat by candlelight."

[Krandall]

A mother is driving her young daughter to her friend’s house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks: "how old are you?"

The mother looks over at the little girl and says: "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite."

"OK," the little girl says: "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says: "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks: "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"Enough of your questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother drops her daughter off and leaves her to play with her friend.

"My mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend, a few moments later.

"All you need to do is look at her driver's license," the friend replies: "It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother: "I know you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds," the little girl says.

The mother is past surprise and shock now: "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" she asks.

The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorced."

"Oh really?" the mother asks: "Why is that?"

To which the girl replies: "Because you got an F in sex."

[Krandall]

A guy is walking around in a supermarket yelling: "Crisco, Crisco?"

A store clerk says to him: "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle five."

He says: "I'm not looking for Crisco, I'm calling my wife."

The clerk says: "Your wife is named 'Crisco'?"

He says: "No, I only call her that in public."

The clerk says: "What do you call her when you're home?"

"Lard ass."

[dragonz]

A mother is driving her young daughter to her friend’s house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks: "how old are you?"

The mother looks over at the little girl and says: "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite."

"OK," the little girl says: "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says: "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks: "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"Enough of your questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother drops her daughter off and leaves her to play with her friend.

"My mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend, a few moments later.

"All you need to do is look at her driver's license," the friend replies: "It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother: "I know you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds," the little girl says.

The mother is past surprise and shock now: "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" she asks.

The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorced."

"Oh really?" the mother asks: "Why is that?"

To which the girl replies: "Because you got an F in sex."

sent this one to work

[Krandall]

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense: "Your Honor," she began coolly: "I figured that, at 92, if he could screw, he could also fly."

[Krandall]

An Irishman who has had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver: "where have you been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub, of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well, it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening," the cop says.

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know that, a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" asks the cop.

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk: "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[Peelz]

An Irishman who has had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver: "where have you been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub, of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well, it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening," the cop says.

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know that, a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" asks the cop.

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk: "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

love it!

[NaturalRaptor]

An Irishman who has had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver: "where have you been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub, of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well, it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening," the cop says.

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know that, a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" asks the cop.

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk: "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

love it!

Totally loving this one! 

[Krandall]

A middle-aged couple went to a spouse-swapping party. They met a Martian couple and thought it would be nice to switch partners for the night. So they swapped spouses, and off they went. When the woman saw the male Martian's penis, she said, "Well, that's nice, but it's kind of short, isn't it?"

The Martian reached up and patted his head. As he did that, his penis got longer and longer. The woman saw that and said: "That's nice, but it's not very fat, is it?"

The Martian reached up and pulled on his ears. As he was doing that, his penis got fatter and fatter.

The woman had a grand time that night. In the morning, the man and woman were comparing their experience. The woman said: "I really enjoyed myself; we should swap again."

The man said: "I enjoyed it too, but I just can't figure out why she kept patting my head and pulling my ears!"