Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Krandall]

 

Awesome temp!

[dragonz]

Nice!

[Peelz]

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
A notable gynecologist once said,

 

"The best engine in the world is the vagina.

 It can be started with one finger.

 It is self-lubricating.

 It takes any size piston.

 And it changes its own oil every four weeks.

 It is only a pity that the management system is so ing temperamental."
 
 

L-O- f**king- L!!!!!

[Colorado700R]

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......


         8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
         9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
         9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
         10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
         12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
         1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
         5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
         3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
         7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
         8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
         11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

 
 

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary......
     

         Day 983 of my captivity...
         My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine    lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

         The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

         Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

         There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

         Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

         I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously stupid.

         The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now . . . . . .

I new it....Cats are Emo

[Krandall]

 

[Peelz]

holy crap that is funny aaron!

[dragonz]

so, it used to be "dogs have owners, cats have staff"
in your house "dogs have owners & cats captors"?

[Colorado700R]

I love this Doctor and you will too!

 

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.  Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend  the life of your car by driving it faster.  Want to live longer?  Take a  nap. 

 

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies.  What does a cow eat?   Hay and corn.   And what are these?  Vegetables.  So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of  delivering vegetables to your system.   Need grain?   Eat chicken.   Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).   And a pork chop can  give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of  vegetable  products.

 

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 

A:  No,  not at all.  Wine is made from  fruit.  Brandy is  distilled wine,  that means they take the water out of  the fruity bit so you  get even more of the goodness that  way.   Beer is also made out  of grain.  Bottoms up!

 

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to  one, etc.

 

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise  program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.  My  philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

 

 Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you? 

A:  YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .....  Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil..  In fact,  they're permeated in it.  How could  getting more  vegetables be bad for  you? 

 

Q:  Will sit-ups  help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. 

 

Q:  Is chocolate bad for me? 

A:  Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

 

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure? 

A:  If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

 

Q:  Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? 

A:  Hey!  'Round' is  a shape! 

 

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about  food and diets.

 

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather  to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one  hand - chocolate in  the other - body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and screaming 'WOO  HOO, What a Ride'   AND.....

 

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 

 

1. The Japanese eat very little fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

 

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of  fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

CONCLUSION:

 

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.     

[dragonz]

Correction to the above!!
Being American is what kills you, we speak english in New Zealand, & have lower heart attack rates than the USA

[Peelz]

another good one Aaron.

speaking english kills!

[Lady4Fiddy]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.
"Hello?"
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory.  When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.  Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?"  Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.  We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful!  Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now? "
"We  recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.  If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

"Life is tough.....but it's tougher if you're stupid"

[Segkast]

THat's fuckin Hilarious !!!

[Colorado700R]

But I slept with someone and forgot her name, that's not alzhiemers, it was usually just alcohol

[dragonz]

But I slept with someone and forgot his name, that's not alzhiemers, it was usually just Raptor Source Rides

[dragonz]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scottsman walk into a brothel and demand 3 beautiful women. They take them all upstairs and make wild passionate love to them all night.
The morning comes 'round and the men decide to try making a run for it while ladies are "freshening up".
The 3 women catch them in the act tell the owner of the brothel and he's furious, he demands that the men face the consequences and he decides he'll punish them according to their job.
He asks the Englishman "So, what do you do for a living?"
The Englishman replies "I am a Police Officer."
So the owner of the brothel picks up a gun and shoots the mans dick off.
He turns to the Scottsman and says "So, what do you do for a living?"
The Scottsman replies "I am a fireman."
So the owner of the brothel pours petrol over the mans cock and sets fire to it, burning it off.
Lastly he turns to the Irishman and says "So what do you do for a living?".
The Irishman looks at the brothel owner with a sly smile and says "I'm a lollipop salesman!"