Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Peelz]

There were too little twin boys who were given up for adoption. There names were Amal and Juan. The birth parents worked it out with the foster parents that they would get updated pictures of their kids every 6 months. Well 6 months go past and the birth parents are sent a picture of 1 kid, and on the back it said "Juan. 6 Months" So they decided to call the Foster parents to see if they could get a picture of Amal. All the Foster mom could say was, "Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!"

ZING....HEY OH!!!! NYUK NYUK NYUK....WOKKA WOKKA WOKKA

[Krandall]

SOOOO Corny




Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they proceed to pick up two hookers and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf is unable to get an erection and his depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, all he can hear is his little friend shouting: “Here I come again... one, two, three... uhh!”

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first: “How did it go?”

The first mutters: "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard-on."

The second dwarf shakes his head. “You think that's embarrassing?” he says: “I couldn't even get on the bed.”

[Peelz]

ba dum---criiishhhh!

[Krandall]

An elderly man goes into his doctor’s office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says: "I'm sorry, Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition that only allows you another six weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replies, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment, the doctor says: "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa to take a mud bath every day."

"And that will cure me?" Bill asks excitedly.

"No," replies the doctor: "but it will get you used to the dirt."

[Magz]

Tools Explained


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-B%#&H TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a B@#&H!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative.
 

[Krandall]

A mother cleaning her son’s room finds an S&M magazine under the bed. Upset, she shows her husband.

“What do you think we should do?” she asks.

“I’m not sure," the father replies: “But we certainly shouldn’t spank him.”

[Colorado700R]

IMPACT WRENCH: Tool that will quickly snap any and all Yamaha bolts off at the base, also known to cause spontainious terrets.

[Krandall]

Q. Why do detectives find it nearly impossible to solve a redneck murder?

A. There are no dental records and all the DNA matches.

[Lady4Fiddy]

Ha HAAAA! 

[Krandall]

Q. What do you call a Scotsman walking around town with a sheep under each arm?

A. A pimp.

Q. What do you call a Scotsman walking around town with a sheep under one arm, and a goat under the other?

A. A bisexual.



The krandall edited versions


Q. What do you call a Iowan walking around town with a sheep under each arm?

A. Peelz.

Q. What do you call a Kiwi walking around town with a sheep under one arm, and a goat under the other?

A. Phil

[Krandall]

A psychiatrist is conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their kids. “You all have obsessions,” he observes.

To the first mother, he says: “You’re obsessed with eating - you’ve even named your daughter Candy.”

He turns to the second mother and says: “Your obsession is money. It shows in your child’s name, Penny.”

He goes to the third mother and says: “Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows in your child’s name, Brandy.”

The fourth mother then quietly gets up and whispers to her boy: “Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s pick Willy up from school and go home.”

[Magz]

Man goes to a fancy costume party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.

A woman asks, 'What are you?'
He says, 'I'm a fireman'


'But you're only wearing a glass jar?'says the woman.

'Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob andI'll come as fast as I can!'

[Magz]

How do you starve an Obama supporter





Hide their food stamps
Under their work boots.   

[Magz]

REPOST MAYBE
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that
was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the
younger alien addressed it saying, Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace. Take us to your leader.' The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien
said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the
warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed
by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray
gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do
not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!' The
older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to
do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.' 'Rubbish,'
replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and
opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared
towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a
burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour
passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three
eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older,
wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. 'What
a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near
killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned
over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If
there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you
don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself
twice and then stick it in his ear.

[Krandall]

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch: "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally, the lawyer said: "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether or not anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced their verdict: guilty.

"But how?" the lawyer asked: "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."

"Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied: "We all looked - but your client didn't!"